precious thots

a blast from the past

2011-03-18T22:31:00.001+08:00

i never thought that at 19 years old, i will be at the receiving end of such treatment.

this is childish.

2011-03-15T11:20:00.001+08:00

as usual, walls erected around me means at the end of the day, the path forward is clear.

The Question: Just what sort of person am I?

2011-02-10T00:12:00.002+08:00

yet again, it comes down to this pertinent question of self-discovery.

i won't hide it, i feel like crap at the moment. of course, my choice of music doesn't help. which begs the question: does sad music make people feel sad, or do sad people listen to sad music? typical nick hornby question.

dinner was, from my perspective, a disaster. when someone pointedly speaks to and laughs at everyone's jokes except yourself, and your own, its either on purpose to spite you, or its because you are a really boring person. taking into account my current state of mind, i would still say its the latter.

i have never really been the "life-of-the-party" kind of person. i'm such a bleak and cynical world view, at least by societal standards, that the ability to induce laugh-out-loud humour is more often than not beyond me. i'm not funny, never was, never will be. so perhaps it is as such that when in a company of 5 with 3 other genuinely funny and nice guys who never fail to make me laugh, that i would be the odd one out devoid of attention, completely unappealing as company. despite my best efforts to engage in decent conversation, it is indeed genuinely hard to engage in thoughtful conversation in such a huge and informal group.

i would want to think that after all the thoughts and life experiences i have been through, associating myself with some of the most screwed up people you will ever meet, that my thought levels are of a sufficiently complex level to render me interesting. well, apparently not. thinking about god and politics and human relations does not render me a more interesting person. sometimes i get the feeling that there's really only a small handful of people who view me as such a complex person. that's what i feel is one of my strengths, and if you don't know this side of me, then i guess you can't say you know me at all. my sarcasm and cynicism are merely manifestations of my innate thought processes.

but the thing is, the same could be said of the others. in other words, i find others simple because like how they don't understand me, i don't understand them.

and therein lies another problem: i have no answers to any of my own questions because i keep bearing in mind the possibility that there could be a bigger picture, and am thus wary of making any conclusions at all. this is when socrates' famous saying of "I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing. " comes to mind.

and yet having studied gulliver's travels in sufficient depth, one of the key lessons i have drawn is not to use the magnifying glass on the flaws of others and fail to recognise that the same is actually being done to yourself. you see, my head is floating with all these random ideas across different generations and fields that when i apply everything, i end up nowhere. i am simply not in a position to say anything about anyone, including myself. and even the statement before could be simply a result of my own foolishness.

they say when a man thinks about life and its purpose he will be relatively more enlightened than the next man, but at the moment all i feel is utter confusion at my inability to arrive at any sort of conclusion and am truly sorry that i even began thinking about such issues in the first place. i do not see how my thoughts on life and mortality have risen me above my other friends who obviously have never even thought about thinking about such stuff.

and even in that statement i display a sort of arrogance that could prove to be my very downfall. see my point?

the 8R photo of 4K'08 lies in front of my bed. when i wake up every morning, or just before i go to sleep, i am reminded of my ex classmates and the times we spent. its been a month since the photo was placed there, and a day hasn't past without me looking at it and thinking about how time truly flies, and how mortal we all really are. a century later this photo, should it still exist, wouldn't make sense to anyone still living on this earth. if found, it would probably be chucked into the nearest bin. we are 4k 2008, but by 2108, we would all be gone. me, kieran, shoujian, jun yong, matthew, etc etc, all gone.

and don't even let me begin on the afterlife. the thing about religion is that you really cannot sit on the fence with regard to the matter. you either believe or you don't, for your every action is a conscious reflection of your decision with regard to the matter. and i really do not think i am in any position to even offer an opinion on the existence of God.

for me, the only reason why anyone should believe in God in the first place is that God exists. all the bullshit that evangelists like to evoke to get people to convert, ie God loves you, thats why God created you, is inconsequential. if God exists, then you should believe in God and pray to him, regardless of whether he loves you or not. that's really besides the point. and the most common reason for a conversion, being that of a miraculous experience as proof of God's existence and love for you, is really for me a whole lot of crap. whatever constitutes as a miracle is really a matter of perspective isn't it. i may consider the fact that i'm not born in ethiopia with aids as a miracle in itself, for really, what have i done before conception in the genetic lottery to place me in a higher position than that poor kid in ethiopia with aids, or the poor thing that got aborted, or even the poor thing that didn't get aborted because they have never heard of it.

for me, the fundamental question anyone should be trying to answer is the existence of god. end of story. but if centuries of theologians and philosophers have failed to offer a satisfactory explanation and opinion on the matter, what more me? what gives me the right to decide on the existence of God?

i digress. my life is somewhat in a mess right now because i am unable to sort out this huge garbage bin that is my head.

so do you think i'm interesting?

hell, does anyone even read this anymore?

sigh

2011-02-02T13:19:00.003+08:00

i think i should just accep myself for who i am rather than trying so hard to be someone i would like to be or i think i should be. i am just this fellow who is adequately eloquent with words to be proficiently entertaining and sarcastic, without ever evoking the vibes that induce trust and confidence.

i thought the problem lies with others, but deep down, i knew the problem was always myself.

a new year resolution 20 days late

2011-01-21T08:11:00.001+08:00

i hereby promise to put more effort into dressing up nicely from this day on

anniversary

2011-01-20T23:34:00.003+08:00

it has been exactly a month since, that day.

nice going Sean, keep it up!

anniversary

2011-01-20T23:34:00.001+08:00

it has been exactly a month since, that day.

nice going Sean, keep it up!

2011-01-10T01:09:00.002+08:00

i genuinely yearn for the days when my biggest concern was how many goals i was going to score during recess, and whether i would be able to buy a drink before assembling for lessons in time. before the time we had a real ball to play with, and had to make do with small rubber ones that were the size of my palms, and were bought from the bookshop. the pitch was not so much a pitch but an access point for the fire engine, and was a really weird "L" shape, on top of being a road. we used to try and enlarge the ball via pumping air, only for the ball to go out of shape and instead resembled thierry henry's head. cue weird bounces. when the ball went over the fence someone will either have to climb over, which i did on a number of occasions, or run out of the school and around into the state-owned land, which i also did on a number of occasions.

angst

2011-01-09T02:16:00.003+08:00

i was going to have a kiss-and-tell blogpost that would reveal more or less everything, but having typed it, had decided against posting it.

i was also going to have a post that would basically detail how december, despite being a month of inactivity, was hell. in short my life's a wreck, i'm a wreck, including my face. i'm disappointing people around me, or even if i haven't enough i'm going to come march.

there's only so much criticism i can take before i blow, like literally, before i start throwing the same stuff back so the noise would cease, before i start believing it myself, which i can say i already do. at these times i'm at a lost for words because i know its true, so i rebut for the sake of it, because i have to. and so the words that come out of my mouth i don't recognise, they are an absolute disgrace to my existence.

as of now i have no idea what i'm going to do with my life, from a social perspective as well as a personal perspective. i don't know what results i'm going to get, whether i even stand a chance at getting a shot at scholarships and overseas education, which will decide what subjects i take. its not that i'm only aware of what's at stake now, its just that i didn't want to be constantly reminded of it as i took A's, so i put it to the back of my mind. i could always just do history at nus or something, but that would be so meaningless, a waste of 4 years. i don't see what kind of skills i can pick up, nor what value that degree would hold. if that's the case i might as well not go university at all. which, results pending, i would seriously consider. if my results are that bad then i deserve to sell my soul to the devil and be an investment banker, working insane hours and retiring by 30 with lots of money but without the health to spend it.

in a short space of 6 months, i have been taught the same lesson 3 times. obviously i didn't quite learn my lesson, hence the remedial. i'm just too stubborn to know what's good for myself. i made the resolution late last year to stop caring for people that do not give 2 hoots about myself and instead start appreciating those who actually do more. but 1 rejection led to another, and by the looks of it, a 3rd. its painful. its tiring. it kinda sucks, cause it hurts. socialising is a chore, along with trying to catch up with friends. its like trying to catch a receding tide; can't be done. if you 3 can't be bothered and couldn't care less, then i don't see why i should at any rate. i should stop. its time to stop, at any rate.

i feel like my mid life crisis came early. but then again, i could be exaggerating. i don't think about such nonsense and frown throughout the day; an observer from the outside would never know what a troubled existence i lead. its only when i'm alone at 2.30am in the morning that these thoughts enter my head. it could be that i'm someone who's able to detach my feelings from life. or it could just be that these issues aren't as serious as i thought they are; i mean, i cried more over the korean dramas than these issues, which wasn't the case in the past.

i have no values. i have no viewpoints of my own. if you are engaged in an intellectual conversation with me and you find my interesting, odds on the views i'm saying are a regurgitation of someone else's. its so frustrating, everything i say, i can hear the voice of its original speaker reverberating in my head. not just my ideas and opinions, but even my mannerisms and exclamations, they are all lifted and copied from someone else. i am like the world's biggest plagiariser. since i have no opinion and world view of my own, just lots that belong to others, i don't even know how strong-willed i am with regard to such things; there's nothing i hold dear or truly believe in. they say by listening more one would have a more rounded and wholesome worldview. i say that's bullshit, my head's in a mess and when in doubt i just fish one random one and say its mine.

i have no idea who still reads this blog. ex-classmates? well if they could find it once they could find it again. people i care about? or people who don't really like me and will thus laugh at my misery.

this is a very angsty post and i remember clearly that i mentioned people who angst about life should get a reality check, so not only do i need a reality check myself but i am also a bloody hypocrite. what a surprise. add that to irresponsibility and lack of charm on my list of flaws.

i spent large chunks of december at home, not seeing anyone i know save for my family for huge stretches of time. life felt dreary, and to make it pass faster, i would sleep late in the morning like 6 am, so by the time i woke up it was 2pm. i was bored, but there was an inertia present that led me to not do anything about it. i'm so drained wanting to catch up with this person and that person, yet i can hardly fault their unwillingness, me being such a poor character, being absolutely uncompelling and boring.

oh well...

2010-12-17T01:52:00.002+08:00

hi im back.

someone just threw a hammer in my face. my heart rather. ouch. oh well, essentially, nothing changed, and nothing should change. i hope things do change for the better, but on the surface, its ceteris paribus, so i guess i'll be happy with the status quo for now. and get on with my life. as per normal.

which is quite boring btw. i've officially been staying at home the whole week. cause i have no life and friends. which suits me fine actually. tetsu no otoko and oreimo will keep me company. but even those are 1-2 episodes from ending. NOOO

i think i often overstate my own importance in this world to others. like by a severe degree. and i also know i often repeat myself; i think i have said the above before. but hey, lessons take time to sink in. if they don't, just rinse and repeat.

i just want to go the park right now and drink a beer or something. but im afraid of ninjas striking me from nowhere and of putting on even more weight so i guess i will just stay put on my seat and erm... get sleepy and sleep. lol.

2010-12-07T23:19:00.001+08:00

not only do i need to start running again, but all these late night suppers aren't doing my expanding waistline any good at all.

2010-11-28T17:49:00.001+08:00

shopping for prom is such a chore. as jx said, everyone is going to wear black, hence i shouldn't wear black. but the problem is most suits off the rack are of a very plain and normal colour tone. like black.

i think i should just cosplay as naruto or something and turn up. then i can dedicate my efforts to more meaningful pursuits like installing fm11^^

2010-11-24T13:31:00.001+08:00

i just stained my white pants for the very last time while drinking bubble tea :-C

2010-11-22T00:36:00.003+08:00

i have decided that i am sick of random bots posting and spamming my cbox, rendering me unable to receive fanmail from my beloved fans on the aforemention object.

i have therefore created a new chatbox that is hopefully free from bots that pretend to be hot western chicks that invite me to view their "blogs"

if you will bother to click the musical bars, you will see the aforementioned all-new cbox.

so tag on.

2010-11-21T19:18:00.001+08:00

Sean, Sean, Sean.

Why so stupid?

2010-11-20T21:52:00.003+08:00

shit i just realised its IdrA not IndrA.

Pseudo starcraft-speak phail.

2010-11-20T21:52:00.001+08:00

shit i just realised its IdrA not IndrA.

Pseudo starcraft-speak phail.

2010-11-20T21:48:00.001+08:00

my IndrA-worthy rage and indignance at why something was done for everybody except myself proves why i was the only exception in the first place.

irony ttm.

2010-11-17T12:25:00.001+08:00

i will just like all my friends to know that i appreciate each and everyone of you for the varying degrees of joy, laughter and company you provide me with. if i didn't i wouldn't even bother saying hi.

and yes that includes you gayfag.

2010-11-13T21:10:00.001+08:00

i think i finally understood why i had been so miserable. its because i tried. its because i cared enough to try. my best. and failed. but its not because i failed, I'm used to failure. its because i cared enough to try my best and still fail. i never had to try before, i never cared enough to try before, and i never failed. but now i have.

and its not something that can be resolved by dialogue. its the kind of thing that you want resolved automatically and its own accord, lest it becomes contrived. doing something on your own accord and doing something for the sake of it is totally different.

and i want to watch the German team of oezil, muller, podolski and klose play again.

2010-11-13T12:51:00.001+08:00

if i were an architect, i would design a school that had a football field in the centre of the classroom block. the first two floors could be used as stands, but the rest of the floors would be standing room only, along the corridors outside the classrooms. i can imagine the fear in the eyes of the away team at the prospect of playing under the spotlight and glare of the entire school.

Ouch

2010-11-13T12:45:00.001+08:00

I was on my way to the ri bookstore because i realised i didn't have a compass to draw locuses and math a levels was soon.

what's interesting's however, was my first thoughts when i realised i had to buy it at ri because the rjc one is closed. my first thought was where is the ri bookshop. the second one revolved how i thought of the old one in the old canteen. my third was the conclusion that there wasn't a bookshop since the renovation. until i remembered the popular book store.

I'm getting old.

Ouch

2010-11-10T14:23:00.001+08:00

I'm on my way to the ri bookstore because i just realised i don't have a compass to draw locuses and math a levels is tmr.

what's interesting's however, was my first thoughts when i realised i had to buy it at ri because the rjc one is closed. my first thought was where is the ri bookshop. the second one revolved how i thought of the old one in the old canteen. my third was the conclusion that there wasn't a bookshop since the renovation. until i remembered the popular.

I'm getting old.

2010-11-09T15:07:00.001+08:00

you know, i don't really want school to end. i mean, studying for a levels, while not torture per se, is really a chore. but school as a whole has been very fun indeed. it gives me a framework for me to view my life through. now that this is coming an end, i am going to experience the greatest displacement i have ever experienced since i was 12. and as a whole, i don't really want to, i like my current life too much, for all the pain and sorrow and emptiness i may occasionally encounter.

2010-11-08T20:06:00.002+08:00

i hate it when im up here posting emo shit about friends and relationships and sad and giving. my logical mind tells me im going to regret it because i will realise, or rather my conscious will realise, that this is all so futile and a genuine waste of time. hell, dota is a better way to spend my time then being emo and then writing about being emo because in dota at least i have fun and im happy (in theory anyway, because im supposed to be owning pubs but im so n00b i lose most of the time but oh well.)

i am already cringing when i reread my old posts of 2 years ago. i cant imagine what will happen when i reread the posts of today 10 years later or *gasp* my sons and daughters (if finances permit, i assure you there would be plenty) read my posts on my teenage blog? cause this blog is going to stay, man. whatever happens. save for the collapse of blogger, but thats out of my control then.

rannald just told me what i wrote for the decol question was right on track, though perhaps i could have explicitly mentioned pace of decolonisation. i do hope he wasn't saying it to merely comfort me, because he has no idea how much i depend on him for affirmation when it comes to this kind of things. AFC should have been ok if i had actually wrote an outline for it so i wasn't writing the stuff for the first time. im quite sure there are missing logical links here and there, though seeing how its the weakest of my essays (hopefully, assuming the cambridge ppl agree with my take on the decol question) then i think my A is very much right on track. kenneth said anna's cousin told her that hist was easy, but as kenneth cautioned, he may simply have not realised how tricky it actually was. though thats a damn bastard and elitist way of thinking xP

its high time you spend your time caring about the people who care about you rather than those who don't, sean.

life plans

2010-11-06T10:17:00.001+08:00

as of yesterday, i have my life ahead of me all planned out. I'm going to get straight As and get a scholarship. then i am going to apply to Durham and get in, because I'm that awesome. in my first year i am going to play football for my uni, which will get me spotted by Durham afc. because i am that good, i will start training and playing non league football by my second year in the UK. somewhere through my 3rd year newcastle will somehow spot me and sign me on trial with the reserve team. and i will be so good they will throw me on as a sub into midfield to counter the threat of a 40 year old Paul scholes in a crucial cup game against man united. shearer is so impressed with me he offers me a 40k a week, 4 year contract, at which point i drop the bombshell: i am tied to a bond with the gov, whose termination will cost around 200k sing dollars. at which point shearer will laugh and chuckle "we paid more for titus bramble!"

and so i put pen to my contract, beginning my pro football career. the fas hears of this and tries to call me up for the god knows what edition of the tiger cup, but i politely reject their call up and instead signal my intention to fight jack wilshere for a place in the England midfield, for which i qualify by virtue of residency laws. i also inform my mother i would be staying on in the UK until Barca come calling, but in the mean time, she could catch me on the tv whenever she missed me every Saturday night. just try to turn away whenever de jong is within 5 metres of me though, things could get ugly.

2010-10-27T23:56:00.002+08:00

was studying in b41, when alvan asked, "sean want play soccer outside? 3v2."

on all counts i should have said no, because 1) i was wearing sneakers, 2) i was wearing uniform, 3) my foot is still injured, 4) i need to study and 5) its not allowed, in that order. but for old times' sake, with my primary school soccer buddies, i replied, "settled, lets go."

just 2 days back kenneth was commenting that once you get past a certain age, like 13, playing soccer in class (or just outside it) loses its fun.

we dragged 2 chairs out and used them as goals. as we were getting ready, alvan commented, "this is just like primary school, just that we were probably 3 times smaller."

looks like i wasn't the only one feeling nostalgic.

2010-10-26T23:59:00.002+08:00

says a lot when i haven't been here in 12 days. i would like to say the stress of exams is getting to me, but no, its not. worrying doesn't help, working hard does, so just work hard then. period. i don't even think about the consequences of flunking my A's, because it doesn't help, so lets not even go there.

my mind has been strangely clear for the past week, except a slight deterioration in my math prowess, despite doing it everyday. i haven't been really affected and distracted by what has been doing so to me for the past month, though today it sort of came back for a while, just a little bit, but i should cut myself some slack sometimes. i try to take a macro, big picture view of something nowadays, but sometimes i wonder if in so doing am I merely acting the part of everyone else who has ever existed and will exist in this world: assuming oneself is above the general fray. its thus important for myself to my own strongest critic, questioning my own assumptions at every step of the way.

in a month's time A's will end. and it is then all hell will break loose, because i have no idea what step i should take. too little information. and its also no wonder why i am such a bad chess player.

2010-10-14T22:25:00.001+08:00

i don't need this distraction at the moment, with my heart skipping 5 beats with every gust of wind. i have even forgotten the experience of sitting for an examination fully focused on its demands. i can safely say that sometimes, during prelims, when my hand was writing something, my mind was on something else completely unrelated.

lets hope this doesn't continue, its killing me.

2010-10-13T21:59:00.001+08:00

why is the hwa chong math prelim paper so freakin hard.

2010-10-13T02:11:00.002+08:00

you know, as The Great Countdown begins, the number of people/how often people rant about their lives exponentially increase. hey, you might say what's new? well you know what's new? i tell you what's new. instead of merely hearing it face-to-face, over the phone, on msn, blogger, now with the information explosion, we see it not only on traditional, modern modes of communication, but new, modern forms of communication, like twitter, facebook, wordpress, where in the days of smartphones and data-plans, you can be instantly informed the moment your friend (or distant friend [or acquaintance {or someone you don't even know}]) rants about his/her life one more time.

no i digress. the focus here is not how easily one might be kept informed of one's friend(distant friends [acquaintance {someone you don't know}]) rantings, but rather why they are ranting in the first place. when you say things like my life sucks, please first consider the little fact that at least you have a life for it to suck in the first place. and however much studying is a chore and a bore, it is nothing compared to that of a child soldier in Africa, one of the poor miners down in the Chilean mine, or even bin Laden, for goodness sake. he's probably in some pakistani cave right now, freezing his 60 year-old ass off every night, fighting for the greater good (or so he thinks), while here we are ranting about our A levels in the comforts of our air-conditioned room! A little perspective, people.

paranoia

2010-10-09T12:26:00.001+08:00

if there is one thing i learnt of use in life from school, it is the danger of perception. when one is inclined towards viewing a series of events within a limited scope, insist on perceiving incidents with a certain slant, what you get is a self-fulfilling prophecy; you end up seeing what you want and expect to
see. when that happens, what do you do? you are convinced your hypothesis is right, and proceed to implement a whole host of defensive measures that in reality border on sheer paranoia. in a sense i can understand why Stalin acted the way he did. not only did he had a lot to lose, he really treasured what he stood to lose, and hence his paranoia was in equal degree. while it just goes on to show what a power-loving son of a bitch he is, the basic principle holds. when faced danger, confusion and fear, it is instinctive to panic.

i am no exception.

fml

2010-10-04T19:04:00.001+08:00

if somebody's 22/25 has a case for being the highest score for int history sbq in the level, then correspondingly i think my 13/25 has a case for being the lowest. i think I'm the only person in the level whose overall score was pulled down by sbq. fml.

2010-10-02T03:29:00.001+08:00

2010-10-02T03:01:00.002+08:00

its 3am on a saturday morning, and i have just finished finished the entire series of personal taste.

at first i found son ye-jin looking somewhat distasteful, as compared to the gorgeous lee min ho, as if there's some hidden clause in korean shows stipulating that while the lead actor must be hot and handsome, the actress must only be cute. however, halfway through the show, her character undergoes a makeover of sorts (whether that included plastic surgery or not, i have no idea) but by the end of the show, i found her cute as well.

i think its a really nice show, very touching as well. its funniest parts are the start, when the script really plays on the act-gay theme, but towards the middle, it got a bit draggy, though by the end, freak, its damn touching. the funny parts, i really LMAOed, but the sad parts, lol, i found myself tearing. and it also didn't help that the background song was really nice (see "like a fool" by 2am)

i feel like a downright douche bag for feeling so much for the characters, yet i cannot really help myself. i am probably going to suffer from withdrawal symptoms for the next few days, like how i did after watching goong and moonlight resonance. the plot is somewhat similar to goong's: hot and sexy guy gets set up with cute girl in a ridiculous context (arranged marriage vs gay tenant), and the cold and aloof guy eventually responds to the overtures by the girl, after some crying, and by the end, it is the guys who have to chase the girls instead.

the song is rather stuck in my head: I was humming the song throughout the entire time i was playing floorball.

and i still feel like crying.

2010-09-30T00:35:00.000+08:00

i should really stop watching soapy korean dramas, they are making me feel really sad.

2010-09-30T00:26:00.001+08:00

2010-09-24T01:57:00.002+08:00

i just spent the past 2 hours watching old football matches (ie full matches rather than merely highlights) of teams like holland circa 1974, holland 1988, barcelona 1992, ajax 1995)

damn i am a geek

2010-09-21T15:10:00.001+08:00

you know life is sad when you have to talk to yourself to keep company.

2010-09-14T21:44:00.001+08:00

isn't it rather ironic that a communist party runs for elections at all?

post-lit

2010-09-13T16:16:00.000+08:00

confucius say,"man with void in heart feels presence all day."

math

2010-09-11T23:07:00.001+08:00

as x approaches infinity, y approaches but never intersects the asymptote of y=k.

i feel you, graph, i feel you.

tranquility

2010-09-10T23:01:00.001+08:00

it feels very comfortable here on the park bench, with my bag as my pillow, file as bolster, and a still landscape as my wallpaper. i don't want to move. i just want to lie here, in the light breeze, listening to the radio.

and reflect.

2010-09-10T21:59:00.001+08:00

a 100 years from now the expression 'i feel like a computer game' will enter English lexicon and it will be attributed to me.

2010-09-10T21:14:00.001+08:00

from an economic point of view, this is a bad investment.

2010-09-10T20:43:00.001+08:00

if i already know it, why do i still do it?

good question.

2010-09-10T00:05:00.001+08:00

i just smacked my history file as hard as i could against the first tree that crossed my line of sight along bishan road. it felt good, but i am left with a bent file. fml.

2010-09-09T23:25:00.001+08:00

88.3 is officially my favourite radio station ever

grah

2010-09-09T00:38:00.001+08:00

the blogger app on the phone makes it so appealing and convenient to blog whenever i feel like blogging. which is every time i feel something. which is 3 times in 5 hours
i might as well get twitter at the rate i am going. only i do not want everybody to be notified whenever i feel something. that is why i blog, because i know with a levels and all, viewership is. at an all time low.

i think the right phrase to describe my emotions right now.is.emotional turmoil. i sort of know what i am feeling, yet i cannot comprehend why i am feeling as such, because i know the very reasons why i shouldn't feel as such. this arises from not only being an oversensitive and insecure (same thing actually) prat, but also because i am a nosy person that goes out of the way to know things i should not know and am better off not knowing. but the fact is i do now. my escapist self says its more than what i want to know. and then i imagine. and imagine. more than half the things that makes me feel so miserable are imagined. i know that i am really just digging my own grave if i keep this up, yet i still plunge headfirst into this abyss at the smallest hint of light. i know that ultimately everything will come to nought, because i can't even pass the first test of myself, and blogging about this entire experience will prove to be a complete waste of time. and no one will really understand what hell is going on because i have not said anything at all here, and even if someone should ask i would not be able to say anything. i know that as it has always been, its all in my head, to the extent that feeling the exact opposite of what my head tells me to feel will actually yield me positive results.

the fact remains that whatever i do, i will always be second best.

and i don't even know why am i bothering.

2010-09-08T21:21:00.001+08:00

i am fighting an impossible battle that i shouldn't even be fighting in the first place. fucking hell.

2010-09-08T19:51:00.001+08:00

it is a testament to my teacher's superb teaching skills that i learnt more from an hour's reading of academic writing than from her the entire year.

musing

2010-09-04T11:59:00.001+08:00

edkwok asserts that though the soviets lost the cold war, the us did not win it because they did not cause the su to lose it. but in a 100m race, you need not trip your opponent on your way to victory to call it a victory right? all you have to do is to simply outlast your opponent and simply be at the finishing line first, which was exactly what the us did, didn't it?

Fml

2010-09-04T11:45:00.001+08:00

i just had a sudden realisation that i screwed up my gp again.

muggorfest

2010-09-03T16:50:00.001+08:00

i've finally had my long awaited study plan done out (on an android app xD). If i follow it to the letter i should have enough time to go through everything twice. However it also involves me starting mugging at 8am, ending at 11pm, with only a lunch break in between, exclusive of dinner, sleeping by 12 and basically living like a monk and a robot at the same time. Fml.

the finer art of goalscoring

2010-09-01T17:42:00.001+08:00

"when you score a goal, its because you are at the right place at the right time. but as a forward, you are supposed to be at the right place all the time." -Sean

2010-08-30T18:09:00.002+08:00

originally i didn't see how villa could not fit into the barca side with ibra around. i mean, ibra could play as the centre forward, with messi and villa playing off ibra either side of him. as everyone saw at south africa 2010, the 2 games villa drew a blank was when he was deployed as the centre forward, while all his goals came when he was playing on the left, just off torres, who had to shoulder the burden of tanking everything two lumbering centre backs could throw at home. of course he floundered. with the exception of klose, the centre forwards of teams that played 4-2-3-1 at the wc had generally disappointing tournaments; klose only did well because he was in a team that played on the counter-attack, as opposed to holland and spain.

anyway back to villa. now that ibra's gone to milan, he would have to play as the centre forward, and god bless him if he is going to succeed. now that he's there, there's a hole on his left, which he plugged for 2 months in the aftermath of henry's departure. and i would love to see arshavin take his place there.

there's no doubt that arshavin's a brilliant footballer, his only flaw's that he tends to drift in and out of games rather than dominate them. with a side like barca, their domination ensures that you will be given opportunity after opportunity to stamp your mark on the game, something that arshavin will surely take advantage. so arshavin should go to barca and let poor iniesta retreat back into midfield, gifted and versatile he may be.

arshavin's love for barca is an open secret (barca was his preferred destination when he sought to leave zenit, and its even listed in FM!). a stumbling block could be barca's precarious bank account, but ibra's departure could have addressed that, and of course barca's fractious relationship with arsenal, in their disgraceful pursuit of fabregas over the summer.

ok back to work.

the toon

2010-08-28T13:50:00.001+08:00

after watching goal last night (again), suddenly the prospect of studying at the university of newcastle seems quite appealing to me. a whole 4 years of nothing other than studying, football at st James' park and rain. sounds like my kind of life
other than the fact its freaking far from London and is actually closer to Scotland (!) and if i adopt a geordie accent then probably no one will be able to comprehend me ever again
cept the toon, of course.

2010-08-24T23:50:00.002+08:00

a 100 years after i die, cambridge (if it still exists) will use mine and shoujian's blog as texts for the literature paper titled "children in lit." i will be to students the way marilyne robinson is to me, and shoujian can be john donne: not understood and thus hated =D

2010-08-23T00:20:00.002+08:00

crap i wanted to say something, but i can't remember what.

its effectively the last week of school, with next week being study break/prelims, sept hols, prelims, and getting papers back. let's just ignore the a-levels dimension for now.

its the last ever week in which i will see people in an everyday, schoolday context. and that includes my class. in all honesty i'm truly sorry for how the way my class turned out. while to be honest i wasn't expecting much to start with at the start of last year (after 4k you know things can only get worse), i didn't expect it to be this bad. i definitely cannot claim to be the model classmate, i'm hardly model anything, its just that even my detrimental presence cannot fully explain the dynamics present. if that was the case, i would be the YZY of this class, which i'm not. its quite sad that from the onset, the kind of people in the class meant that any sort of cohesion's impossible.

to cut a long-story short, this class contains people at both ends of the social spectrum, and hardly any one in between. its really very sad the fate of any social grouping is pre-determined by the kind of people it contains, rather than the interactions between its components. this eventuality is saddening, for it suggests that the fate of the group is out of the hands of its 'members', or in this case its willing members. but as much as i do not wish to admit it, my experience of the past 4 years tells me its true.

case in point: the type of people in the batch above us in floorball would never have been as bonded as my batch. it didn't help the captain's useless, by the way. and its things like these that makes me appreciate the social groupings that work even more, like 4k and floorball. had the composition of people had differed, it would never have worked out, im sure of it now.

as of late i detest being part of groups of people, partly cos as of now im not really part of any. 4k doesnt really hang out in sch anymore, same with floorball. its not even the case of not knowing everybody in that group, its just that you know fully well you do not belong. it doesnt have to be anything they say, its the little subtle things like the mannerisms and vibes that the people in the group do to each other. (i know my syntax isn't really making sense, but do bear with me). its groupings like those in class, those in other classes, other ccas, etc etc. at least in a 1-to-1 interaction, you cannot feel left out. 2-1, might be fine, by 3-1 you know its time to screw off.

i hate the feeling of being neglected and left out. its how i arrived at the conclusion that people who have no friends have self-esteem issues, and those who are surrounded by friends all the time are really insecure deep down inside..

2010-08-14T12:24:00.002+08:00

in my hotmail account there is a folder titled "Important Em@ils", containing just 2 particular emails, to remind me on what a bastard I've been, and the long road ahead thereafter. i cringe every time i read it, but nevertheless it is still there, to keep me and my expectations in check.

2010-08-01T04:36:00.002+08:00

It’s this year’s must-have for any side looking to finish near the top of the Premier League: a player who prompts the question, ‘What does he do?’

This man is a central midfielder. He’s not a tackler, nor is he a creator. He doesn’t score many goals – in fact, he rarely looks to get into the box. So what does he do? It’s a question asked by Arsenal fans about Denilson. It’s a question asked by Manchester United fans, about Michael Carrick.

And it’s not just the fans who ask. Britain’s most famous football pundit, Alan Hansen, has the same question about Jon Obi Mikel, who started the majority of games at the heart of Chelsea’s midfield as they won the Premier League lastseason. “What does John Obi Mikel do?”, asks Hansen.

So there we have it. The best three teams in one of the world’s best leagues all field a player in the centre of their team who apparently has no specific purpose.

(Y)

_____________________

here's my opinion

john obi mikel: gangster, one rung above the likes of christian poulsen and javier mascherano, who are thugs

denilson: the budget-fabregas, though too lightweight imo, still much better than lucas

carrick: better than gareth barry at playing the simple pass, though much less energetic. don't think he would have saved england though.

2010-07-31T15:59:00.002+08:00

not to sound materialistic, but there's a thousand and one things i want to buy the moment i start earning $$$.

1. a new floorball stick
i'll think i'll get salming.

2. adidas powerwebs
holy shit those felt darn good when i tried them on at the shop...

3. new boots
i need field boots. probably get the adipure. speaking of which, i need to mend my beloved astro boots if i intend to continue using them.

4. an ipod.
my aaa-battery operated 512mb player is so out of date.

5. undecided between a laptop and a desktop.

actually that's not a lot i guess, minus the computer, it should be under $500.

I am Heathcliff!

2010-07-29T00:32:00.003+08:00

its amazing what a good teacher can do to your opinion on a novel.

today in lit class ms V was remarking upon the alarming lack of sympathy shown towards Heathcliff by us Lit students. she was exasperated at how we can condemn Heathcliff so strongly in light of all the life experiences that he has gone through, how his revenge cannot be justified. if we could empathise and admire richard's dastardly acts, why cannot we do the same for heathcliff, who's so much better? all people like P could see was was Heathcliff being an imp of satan because he blackmailed hindley, then snatched his colt and splashed hot apple sauce at edgar.

it was this line that did it for me, i think:

"While I'm thinking of that I don't feel pain"

while one and all were shocked at this imp of satan's vindictiveness and malicious nature in planning for his revenge whatever the cost, i saw the light. heathcliff's vindictive nature, his wild, unceasing and unrestrained love for cathy, his cruelty, are all manifestations of his capacity to feel. the depth of heathcliff's emotions are endless. it is because his deep capacity to feel that causes him to feel so much hurt when cathy, on top of everything else, starts to grow more and more distant from him. and its because of this deep hurt that he's feeling, that in order to assuage the pain, he has to think of something hurtful and cruel in equal degree, so there would be some form of balance. only when a person posses such depth in emotion would he be able to feel that much hurt, and the depth is as such that only malice of equal degree would do to ease the pain.

i know, because i am such a person. my capacity for hatred is awesome. if i hate someone, i make sure i hate someone. this sounds really childish as i type it, and it probably is, and will probably sound as such 10 years from now, but i guess that's me.

2010-07-28T00:06:00.003+08:00

for the past few days, weeks maybe, i have had this strange, unsavory feeling. in one of the many times i'm alone in school, walking down the corridors, not aimlessly, but rather listlessly, or in class even, i had this urge to go find somebody that i can talk to. or to be more precise, to talk.

yet when the moment arrives, or to be precise, when the person, whoever it may be, arrives, this sudden feeling evaporates after a few lines of conversation, and i start feeling like i would like to do nothing better but shut up and keep to myself.

there's nothing bugging me consciously at the moment. perhaps the stress is getting to me, but i know fully well that stressing myself out would only make matters worse, and hence no level of inception, however deep it may be, would implant this thought. perhaps certain relationships, but i had resolved to not think about these. maybe next time.

i'm starting to wonder now, that perhaps, its a manifestation of this personal conflict that i've had inside me for over a year now. am i more of an extrovert, or an introvert? going in to the psychoanalytic tests, i thought perhaps an answer would come to light, but all it did was deepen the contradiction, blurring the lines even further. my results were contradictory in that aspect, probably cause my opinion of myself fluctuated within the test itself, i don't know, i wouldn't be surprised.

would this qualify as mood swings? i wouldn't know, though from what i hear, my symptoms would need a good stretch to fit. i mentioned before that i get weird suicidal tendencies, like everytime i see a plausible suicide-esque situation, i immediately think of 5 ways to die and 10 consequences. but its not like out of grief, or sadness, or some immense pain and suffering; its just plain curiosity.

like when i took my seat on the tier of the esplanade concert hall, my first thought was how high it was, and how much distance separated me from the ground tier. my next thought was would it possible to leap from my seat, off the railings, and land on top of the lights that were suspended above the hall. concluding that that would be impossible, i then thought how would the audience react should i spring from my seat, mid-show, and launch myself off the railings downwards, and was deciding between a straight headfirst, plunge or a diver-esque routine with flips and turns. then i wondered how would the newspapers actually report it.

this is despite me possessing a fear of heights. my palms sweat whenever i get too high, and i instinctively start fearing for my own safety. this is the reason why i've never been able to scale a rockwall completely since i was 12. i would climb up to a certain point, then the fear would kick in, and my palms would sweat, rendering me both physically and mentally unable to carry on.

as i wrote the above paragraph, my palms have actually started sweating, from the sheer thought of heights, though not the profusely kind. its like how my mouth starts salivating the moment i try to imagine the taste of sambal belachan.

2010-07-25T23:05:00.002+08:00

you know you need to exercise when:

1) you feel something pressing against and sticking out of the waistband of your pants when you bend over (and no its not wood)

2a) you run as hard as you can and yet you miss the train, something that has never happened whenever you bothered to try

2b) even though you failed to catch the train, you feel the same amount of exhaustion as actually catching the train twice

2c) on top of that, you really feel like shit

3) your body fat percentage is a whopping 17.3%, despite your bmi only being 18 (i must have set a new world record there)

4a) you decide against turning up for a football game after school, even when all your friends are playing, an unprecedented incident

4b) instead you felt the value of a nice lunch, a nap on the way home, a nap at home, and teabreak afterwards far outweighed the prospect of slugging it out with 20 other boys for the chance to kick a ball

5) all you think about nowadays is your afternoon nap, what to eat, and airhooking with your very-flat-blade

6) your tummy stretches the front of your t-shirt

7a) climbing the stairs to the 4th floor is your most rigourous exercise of the day

7b) alongside chasing the train

7c) and it does feel like something excruciatingly rigorous and strenuous at that

7d) imagine, you pant and there's actually lactic acid in your legs!

7e) you are momentarily deaf to everything but the incessant pounding of your heart

i think you, my readers, should get my drift by now.

but i don't think i shall deviate from my plan to do nothing but eat, sleep, eat and study (oh shit I actually mentioned eating twice [Freudian Slip]) till the end of As. i really want to see myself at the end of this few months. i mean, people do this for their entire lifetimes thus far; i mean, the longest distance they've actually covered in 1 shot is 2.4km, so why can't i do this for less than 1/2 a year?

but omg i really dread what's at the end of this. no light, that's for sure.

2010-07-23T22:58:00.002+08:00

i cannot believe how absent-minded i've been.

it has taken well over a year. i've been searching for this adjective that would so aptly describe the situation, yet however hard i try, this word just refuse to rise from the depths of my subconscious, and so i resigned to use words that are so ill-fitting. over the course of an escalator-ride, wayne has transformed the dimensions that i view the situation with.

that word is normal.

2010-07-21T22:44:00.003+08:00

ok its official.

i suspect im suffering from a stress fracture. there's no way in hell a bruised foot will take 4 months to heal. its just not possible. most bruises stop hurting after a week.

i wonder what should my next step be. i could go to a polyclinic to get a hospital referral and go for an x-ray, after which, if confirmed, will just mean, nothing. nothing can be done for stress fractures. it doesn't make sense to wear a cast.

or i could just get on with my life. and not engage in strenuous activities that will further injure my foot. like play football. more specifically, with my right foot. for most people, it would mean the same thing.

but i am not most people. i can use my left foot to play and still be relatively effective.

but as i found out the last time, the temptation to use your right foot when the opportunity arises is always there. quite hard to resist when defenders show you onto your right foot with a clear invitation, a dare even, to shoot.

i also just realised the implications. it means that i had been playing through season with a stress fracture in one foot. coupled with my twisted/sprained ankle (that has yet to fully recover), it means my right foot during season was one messed-up piece of shit.

coupled with my faulty heart scans, which is poetic justice for my heartlessness and inability to feel, perhaps i should stay off sports for a while.

but how do i do that when im bordering on obesity!

2010-07-19T01:20:00.001+08:00

i just saw this on another blog.

Things will get worse before they get better.

my response is, that's the rationale behind glenn ong's suggestion that you eat a live frog every morning: you know the day's only going to get better, and when something bad happens, you know the worst is over.

2010-07-19T00:15:00.002+08:00

will i ever be able to play right-footed again?

there is an aspect of life that i remain woefully ignorant of. whats sadder is that there's nothing i can do about it, at the moment.

should i smile more or should i appear pensive more often. should i think less and talk more, or should i speak less, think more.

i think i know what's killing my nose: chili. sometime during the holidays i woke up with my nose feeling clear and fine, and i decided to go eat bak chor mee for breakfast. i told the lady to put less chili, but i don't think she got me, for it felt like i added chili instead. my nose died after that for the rest of the day.

my runny nose had been steadily getting better through the course of the week, and by today it was nearly non-existent. but i had peranakan food for dinner, what with all the otah and the sambal kangkong and the rendang. cue massive sneezing and the free flow of bodily fluids through my nose.

i wanted to experiment by avoiding spicy food for the rest of the week, while eating spicy food for the whole of next week. but how can i do that when i'm going to eat wanton mee for breakfast tmr and going queensway on tuesday!

i stuffed myself with snacks in the past week in an attempt to fatten myself up a bit before my ns checkup. ie. i ate a whole pack of ruffles on thursday and lays on friday. the astonished look on the provision shop auntie's face was quite amazing: i never bought such stuff even in my preteens. i think it would be really sad if i got pes b for being underweight. when i mentioned this to my mother, she reminded me that what would be sadder would be to get pes b for high cholesterol.

19/50 for gp essay is simply (Y). enough said.

i'm so frustrated with my life but i guess there's no one who's able to say he's not. the extent varies, the reaction differs, but dissatisfaction in life is simply life. it's this very dissatisfaction that drives people to work and live isn't it, to push on in life and improve their lot. sounds a bit like a "greed is good" argument, but without all the capitalist and materialist connotations in this context. so in a way it makes sense that people ascend when they attend nirvana: there's simply no more point in life.

watching people 3-a-side in the nssl finals at toa payoh was laughable. the goalkeepers were in general a disappointment, with no one really looking like they know they can/are allowed to use their hands. positioning was poor too. the outfield play also resembled the neanderthal style of play. left-footed play left side, right footed play right side, so they constantly looked to beat their man on the outside, with the result being running themselves into the corner with no way to go. just brilliant. the only way they could score was when they had to play a right-footed player on the left due to the lack of lefties, and then he would be naturally inclined to cut back onto his stronger foot to realise that suddenly the goal seemed so big, which it was. either that, or very bad positioning by the defenders and the goalkeeper to allow the rightie on the right side the acute angle that is needed to shoot and score.

i would have played 4 v3, with the goalkeeper at the foot of the diamond, because in all honesty the goal area where the goalkeeper was allowed was quite long and wide, allowing more scope for movement for the diamond. this frees up one free man, which will either be the goalkeeper or one of the side players. oh and they don't screen too. which with such a big goal would have been very beneficial.

oh and i find erdong's emo pm(s) on msn disturbing and cheesy.

and look what i found under tournament rules and regulation for the nssl.

3. Smoking is not permitted around the pitch. Any participant caught flouting this rule is automatically disqualified from the tournament.

ok brain dead.

Guess who?

2010-07-15T23:35:00.002+08:00

I am awesome.

2010-07-14T17:37:00.002+08:00

i got the shock of my life as i was walking home just now.

i saw a beng lookalike. and guess what? he's from ri too. from the back he looks identical to beng, the high slope, squarish haircut, the toot bag, the bata shoes. only from the front he looks different, this 2010 version has more of a fringe. hell, the semblance was so uncanny i even took photos of this guy from afar. which i will upload in due course.

freaking hell.

in light of recent events, lets just say i threw the beautiful game out of the window, did away with all the tiki taka and total football, and simply fired a spectacular blockbuster from the kick off. if you don't shoot you don't score, though if you shoot from so far you risk it going awfully off target, like my gp essay. the thing is, spain feels aggrieved at losing to switzerland because there was so much build-up yet it all came to nought. the same cannot be said of switzerland; if it had lost you might say they deserved it because they didn't create anything, but they definitely would not feel as sad as spain cause they didn't really put in much effort to start with.

2010-07-13T21:19:00.001+08:00

johan cruyff for holland manager.

total football ftw.

2010-07-13T20:33:00.003+08:00

i agree with andrew. the world cup is the time every 4 years when people who have never kicked a ball their entire lives become football experts. that's exactly how i feel, along with all its connotations.

heh no wonder i have no friends, i think everyone else is an idiot.

2010-07-12T23:27:00.002+08:00

as i was waiting for dinner on sunday evening, i popped by singapore pools and placed a $5 wager on a spain win on odds of 1.95.

the logic? i genuinely thought spain were going to win, but in my heart there was inclination towards the dutch. so i reasoned if spain win, i will be happy, cos i've won money. if holland win, i would've lost money, but would be happy nevertheless. what i didn't anticipate was a draw in regulation time before spain going on to win it.

which was precisely what happened, and the only situation that would have left me on the losing end.

so much for probability.

fml.

2010-07-05T23:20:00.002+08:00

in all honesty, if you were to ask me to do something about england's now-at-least 48 years of hurt, i would be unable to answer you. if i were the chairman, i would simply resign now and let someone else get on with the job.

ok, that's not saying anything, seeing how i'm not the one in-charge.

the whole point of a blog, one of it, at any rate, is to voice opinions that would otherwise be unheard because nothing's going to be done about it. so what the hell am i doing here saying i don't have an opinion?

fine i do have an opinion. at least i formed one in the course of the last 3 paragraphs.

contrary to what england thinks, you do not need to be the most technically gifted team in the world to win. the likes of joe cole have said that the germans played them off the pitch because of their superior technique, their ability to keep possession of the ball. ray parlour has said that they are alike with the dutch in nearly everything, except their technique and the great divide between 4-4-2 and 4-3-3.

yes, you do need good technique to play good football that sweeps your opponent off its feet. the thing is, you do not need good technique to win a football match. look at italy in 2006. which player in the squad could match zidane in terms of technique? totti? del piero? close, but not that close. and the end result, italy still won.

if good technique was all that you need, then holland would already by 5-times world champions, and the italians and germans would have nothing to show.

much as i would hate to admit it, possessing good technique isn't the only way to play winning football. much as people would like to say england's players are overrated, at the same time let's not underrate them. epl players are still epl players, whether in a chelsea, england or RI jersey. the team is fine.

if that's the case, then it follows that capello has underperformed.

ok that wasn't what i thought 2 weeks back, im not making much sense to myself here ...

2010-07-04T23:00:00.003+08:00

can someone please tell me why am i doing this

its so pitiful, like some little puppy licking its own wounds

insecurity, its all about insecurity

or is it?

2010-07-04T01:59:00.002+08:00

think lines, not boxes.

screw the bubbles; its how, not what.

there is nothing to think about. it is a foregone conclusion. i should stick to my principles, and what my head tells me. impossible, not worth the short-term gratification. not good enough means not good enough, no two ways about it. anything and yes, without a doubt, are completely 2 different things. deal with tangibles and facts, rather than intangibles and imagination.

Job 38:11
Good News Bible

now that you know it, bear that in mind. period.

2010-07-04T00:00:00.002+08:00

i live a decadent lifestyle.

i woke up at 1130am, and my first meal of the day was at 930pm, 10 hours later, and well into supper time. how did i spend my time in between? watching digimon adventure and its 02 sequel, as well as the 2nd 3rd and 4th movies. which though quite lame, aren't as lame as the pokemon ones. no, i digress, i'm the lamest one. i actually watched them at the age of 18 at the expense of my food, water, homework and housework. yea, my first drink of water for the day was at 930pm too, a tehbing, and its a wonder i didn't faint or get a headache before that. i don't get gastric pains, which may not be good thing; they would have forced me to eat whether i liked it or not.

i just saw argentina get destroyed 4-0 by the germans. pre-match, i expected a close but open encounter, with the genius of messi to prove too much for the teamwork of the germans; germany may have a talented bunch of youngsters, but argentina have the most talented youngster in the world. post-match, and it is has been proven that though argentina have the most talented youngster in the world, germany has A TEAM of talented youngsters. and of course, a proper coach. in individual sports, if you're the best in the world, you can afford not to have a coach, like federer and woods, for example. you cannot say the same for team sports though; a coach is definitely very important, he sets the framework for the entire team to function. maradona's structure depended too much on the individual genius of his players to shine, rather than the sum total of their parts as befitting that of a team sport. and its honestly quite difficult to do anything when the moment u cut the ball back to your left foot, you come face to face with 3 germans willing to do anything to stop you.

maradona needs to realise that for all the media hype, messi is not a reincarnation of him. yes they play with the same style: very quick, brilliant control, left-footed, short, low cg. but they apply their skills differently. messi is not a proper trequatista, utilising the space behind the forwards to wreck havoc any way he deem fit. there is no point in granting him full creative freedom because he doesnt know how to exploit it. he may have done relatively well in the previous games in this position, but that is more of a tribute to his footballing ability rather than his footballing brain. at barca, he is an inside-forward, when put one-on-one with a full-back, the conclusion is foregone. playing him as a trequatista minimises his impact, because he would be pressured from the back by the midfielders, faced with the bumbling centre-backs, and in the case of germany, full-backs as well, such is the lack of width of this argentine team, courtesy of playing inverted wingers and centre-backs at full-back.

and while we're at the point about impact, maradona, for all his footballing genius, didn't exactly have the greatest of goalscoring records did he? discounting his early days in the argentine league, he averaged about 18 goals a season at napoli. by contrast, messi has scored 38 goals in 51 games the previous season, and 47 goals in 53 games this season. my point: maradona, using his outrageous footballing talent, contributes to the team by exerting his playmaking influence as a trequatista behind the forwards, contributing less through goals. messi, using his own outrageous footballing talent, contributes to his team through sheer goals by consistently beating his man on the right, rather than exerting any playmaking influence on the game itself. in short, maradona would serve himself to recognise and accept that messi cannot be played in the same way as he would play himself.

i wanted to drink a can of carlsberg during the 2nd half, but decided against it; damn lonely to drink yourself. in retrospect, perhaps i should have; might have made the thrashing a little easier to swallow.

2006
rude
defiant
lazy
emotionally weak

2008
unreliable
over-competitive
insensitive

2009

insecure
nasty
superficial
defiant in a different way
naiive
insocialble
insensitive
petty

2010

fickle
superficial
unmotivated
indecisive
.
.
.

2010-06-10T00:45:00.002+08:00

there're only 4 teams that i would want to see win the world cup.

ENGLAND
to end 44 years of hurt. though i think it is rather amusing that for all of capello's supposed tactical nous, it will all fall apart if rooney falls apart, literally and figuratively. i do think he should have dropped carrick and called up either huddlestone or parker. i also believe that adam johnson should have been included. for one, he would be the only left-footed attacking player in the team, he has already displaced SWP in the man city team, so why not the england team. and speaking of SWP brings up the issue of walcott. if you pick SWP you might as well pick walcott, because while both are equally inconsistent, walcott is faster and has flashes of brilliance once in a while, SWP is just flopping around. i also dun think capello should hv called up dawson as replacement, because he's not going to play him at all. instead, what he should have done is to call up another full-back with some exp like micah richards or gary neville, and assign carragher as a backup centre-back rather than a right-back. with king as ur first choice, you definitely need a reliable backup, so better caragher than dawson, imo.

HOLLAND
also another tragic team. robben may be injured, but in all honesty, they don't really need him in the group stages. kuyt would do just fine. defence is rather worrying though. i've no idea how does van bronkhorst stay in the team, but i think it just speaks volumes for the lack of defenders in holland at the moment. van der wiel at right back? seriously? i got this sinking feeling that holland would never win anything until cruyff comes out of his self-imposed retirement and put things right once and for all. now that would be poetic justice.

SPAIN
cos they're the best.

GREECE
that's just wicked cool, you got to admit. after euro 2004 i've been a closet greek supporter. while total football will forever be my favourite system, in reality im just really into kinky formations and systems.

2010-06-07T22:13:00.000+08:00

i sometimes think i have 0 eq

2010-05-21T20:16:00.002+08:00

i shall write a post-season post, but not just yet.

meanwhile, the sight of something after assembly today changed the way i saw my day =(

2010-05-12T15:49:00.002+08:00

I've a confession to make.

when the final whistle sounded in the girls semi-final an hour earlier, i jumped for joy along with the rest of the supporters. but it took 5 seconds for my heart to sink, for sadness and sorrow to kick in, for the fading of my smile. erdong said seeing them jumping for joy made him feel jealous. i said i just felt sad. in retrospect, i take my words back. i am jealous. seeing them huddle in a circle and jumping for joy together was a stark reminder of how we huddled in a circle a day earlier, and the memories weren't sweet. i felt sick; i had to leave.

at the bus stop later on, images of them in a circle flashed across my mind, bringing with it a tinge of sorrow each time. i felt no joy in their victory. in fact, a part of me, deep inside in a place that cannot be seen nor shown, wanted them to lose. i know i should neither feel nor think like this, that just because we were unable to taste victory that we wish misfortune befall them. but i'm no saint, not a nice guy even. deep down inside, i'm really a bastard. i'm incapable of selfless thoughts or acts, such that you would not see me give up the one i love for her happiness. that's for God and hollywood, not me.

i feel guilty about such dark thoughts, but they haven't stopped me from feeling this way. perhaps its because i know we deserve it more than them. we trained through the holidays 3 times a week when god knows where were they. we stay back after training to improve on our shooting when they always appear to me to can't wait to get home immediately after training ended. i know i worked harder than any of them, religiously doing my stickwork at home (until diminishing returns set in at least), reading about floorball, watching floorball, doing my own fitness work at 12am in the morning. i know effort does not necessarily equate to success, but it still sucks to experience that first-hand.

sorry girls, but i'm simply unable to share in your joy, because i'm a bastard. don't bother forgiving me.

2010-05-11T21:21:00.002+08:00

We lost. Badly.

you know i'm in shit when a post appears on this blog. this blog has become nothing more than a form of escape and release, a mannifestation of my innate escapist desires. and this is one such moment.

regardless of the outcome of our 3rd/4th placing match, the truth is we as the team of 2010 have failed in bringing back the gold. not to the school, screw the school; but for ourselves.

its not so much the loss as to how we lost, but then again its not so much the loss altogether but the different ways in which we dealt with it. more of that later.

i'm not going to dwell so much on the match itself, because i'm not particularly affected it. fair play to YJ, worthy winners, though at the back of my head i wonder how would the match have turned out had we brought our game to the court today. simply put, we were 2nd to nearly every 50-50 ball. and killed us it did.

could i have done anything more? a very fundamentalist argument would be that i should have trained harder and longer, such that i would be in a position of skill and composure that would be of use to the team on court. when i see shoujian having one of his off-days despite his best efforts, i very much wanted to jump in and do my bit, cover his ass on this off-day, or all our asses as a matter of fact. when i see kieran getting outpaced yet again, i wonder had i been of a higher playing standard, i would be the one saving his sorry ass for the umpteened time, in this most important of occasions, just as he has saved my ass umpteened times + 1, in countless other scenarios. i'm quite sure i would have been able to hold my own against such physical opponents. its just that i'm not good enough to warrant coach's trust, and coach's word is final, so there's that.

upon reflection, i've peaked at the wrong time. i'm only begining to feel really comfortable on the ball now, which is too late to warrant much playing time. in the past 2 weeks, my mentality in court would be best described as zen-esque. i've stopped doing stupid things in court, like running all over the place, attempting to beat my man and fail, mispassing and miscontrolling the ball. its only in these 1+, 2 weeks that i have felt the joy of playing as the sweeper, covering space behind my teammates, spreading the play from right to left and left to right. too little too late i guess.

coach criticised the whole lot of us benchers for not cheering hard enough. fair enough, i felt i had cheered louder and more frequent on other occasions. but to be fair to myself, i did do my part. perhaps i could have paced up and down behind the benches, giving my teammates encouraging pats on the backs. idk, if the idea sprung to me and knowing it would help, i would have done it. its just that i have never seen anyone, anywhere, on tv or otherwise, do that in any sport, hence this thought just didnt occur to me. but in fairness to coach, even though i was still cheering and encouraging my teammates in the 3rd period, mentally, i had already given up. idk, my mental state of mind could have betrayed my overt actions and sabotaged my team, however hard i tried to present the contrary.

oddly enough, however badly i wanted the title, even as a bencher, i didn't break down after the final buzzer. downcast and moody, yes, but not crying. i wasn't even stunned or shellshocked. it was only when saw kieran break down just before we warmed up that i teared a little, but that was it. for then.

when coach criticised the benchers, while feeling slightly aggrived and peeved inside, in truth, i wasn't feeling any levels of indignance that i would normally have perceived myself to be entitled to. guilty conscience perhaps.

we stretched, and huddled together as a team once more. kieran then said something about the benchers being unjustly criticised was the catalyst for me tearing once again. when shoujian said in tears about being proud to captain this team and how i had given my all through cheering was simply sensory overload. i broke down there and then.

for me, that moment was a very poignant reminder of the very reasons i joined floorball, and brought the process full circle. them wanting to join the cca in the first place was the reason i joined as well, i could easily have joined football or volleyball. i remember how desperate we were to make the team, along with theo, how we borrowed sticks from azmi and went to kieran's house the day before trials to practice. kieran and i especially had the most bonding time, born out of our desire to perfect our partnership, efforts that while i wouldn't say proved futile, proved irrelevant. how we fantasised of playing in a 4ker-line, another of those dreams that would go up in smoke.

kieran breaking down alone in the carpark didn't evoke that sense of catharsis in me. shoujian breaking down after kieran had done brought the 4k link clearly into my mind, reminded me that while we were fastened together by ambition, wanting to join, play and win so badly, it would be together that we would go down in sorrow, because we are equal in ambition.

daniel said that after this, i know that people do care about this and that i've got people who'll go through hell with me. the thing is, i've known this all along. i just needed a little reminder in their tears to release the floodgates that are my tears.

2010-03-26T01:24:00.003+08:00

i tend to overstate my own importance in this world. sometimes when i'm crossing the road (ie. jaywalking), i get sudden impulses to just jump in front of a speeding car and get crushed to death. i then wonder if i were to die today, what would happen. what would my funeral be like? i've been to the funeral mass and cremation of thaddeus cheong, who died at age 17. the church was filled with students, all there to pay their last respects to someone whom they were either very close, or just a hi-bye kind of relationship. i wonder how many of my friends/people would actually turn up. probably not enough to even fill the front pews of the church. perhaps a few old classmates, 1 or 2 current ones, some semblance of representation from my CCA, past and present, and perhaps a few teachers who didn't hate me that much. there would be a eulogy about the brilliant person that i never was, and how my death would supposedly be a loss to those who knew me. then my cremation will follow, people will cry, tears will flow. then that's it. life goes on for them. my name will never be mentioned again after a week. 30 years on no one will remember that i died. meanwhile, i will finally be able to discover the truth about God. if an afterlife exists, i will be going to hell. if it doesn't, well, not that i would know, or that there will be a "I" to know, or anything to know.

if birthdays are a representation of how much you mean to people, as someone in particular commented, then the truth is i'm nobody.

2010-03-14T14:01:00.002+08:00

in all honesty, better him than me.

this is mean and probably uncalled for, but i wouldn't have people queuing up to hug and console me. well, he does. he gets his hugs, me my spot.

all the better for everyone.

sorry i'm just feeling caustic at the moment.

legal my l@*

2010-03-14T00:19:00.002+08:00

so much for turning legal.

it seems as if my troubles never end. less than a day after i made the team (yes i made the teammmm xDDDDDDDDDDDDD) the topic in the car turned to that of jersey numbers. i asked my parents a rhetorical question on what number i should get, and said that i wouldn't mind 4,5,6 and 14 (i choose my number like how popes choose their names ie. i would love to be as brilliant, intelligent and stylish as guardiola, becnkenbauer, xavi and cruyff respectively.)

unfortunately,

my mother said no 4, 5, 6 and especially not 14. to cut a long story short, in cantonese these numbers dun sound auspicious. especially 14. 14 in cantonese sounds like 杀死. so on the jersey it would read "raffles 杀死“ and that's a big nono. if my mother was the coach she would completely ban these numbers from the team altogether.

hence, my number shall preferably be 3. pique ftw.

2010-03-07T21:57:00.002+08:00

2010-03-05T00:44:00.002+08:00

to play without fear and a smile on my face, that was my goal.

i live to fight another day, but sometimes i think its a matter of trying too hard. its not a matter of not thinking, its more of thinking of the right things and filtering out the rest. i should not shirk away from challenges, but rather embrace them; what's the point of competition without challenges? i should also stop focusing so much on myself rather see myself as part of a team. part of raffles floorball. part of raffles. yes i think that's the spirit behind team raffles.

oh boy i'm so looking forward to tomorrow.

2010-01-19T16:21:00.002+08:00

my life thus far has been a failure, in the sense that i have not achieved anything yet. where i stand today is not a result of any hard work or effort, but a result of superior genetics and luck when i was 9 as compared to the layman. it was genetics and luck at work when i passed the gep test in p3, and that moment can on hindsight be the very moment that changed my life. because i'm in gep, i get to dsa to ri without needing to study for my psle (which i did anyway, like the month before). and its because i'm in ri, with the raffles programme, that i am able to get into rjc without needing to study for o's. i am judged to be part of the best and brightest in singapore, above the demands of examinations on the basis of tests i did as a 9-year old.

the education system has been a failure. i'm living proof.

2010-01-08T21:46:00.003+08:00

i have never worn velcro canvas shoes to school before. a startling fact, in these days of bata domination. even back in primary 1, i insisted on wearing shoes with shoe laces rather than velcro ones, even though i would have to learn how to tie shoelaces, then tie them from the first day in school onwards. in retrospect, to miss out this vital component of my formal education is a tragic pity, and if i do not remedy this soon, i would never ever get the chance.

hence, i have decided to buy a pair of white bata velcro shoes to wear to school for pe. well actually kieran and i agreed to buy a pair each the moment the new pairs of shoes we just bought die, but that may be a little too late. i would love to see the look on everyone's faces when i do a sub-9 2.4 in white bata velcro shoes.

that's not an impossibility. yong shikai won the interhouse 800m race back in sec 1 in bata shoes, with a time of 2.35, beating mchia by 3 seconds and yours truly by 18. and i was in my brand new asics ds-trainers.

2010-01-03T01:34:00.002+08:00

i actually forgot to wish someone happy birthday yesterday. but on second thoughts, i couldn't care less.

i have yet to start on my h3. oh boy i am so screwed.

but for now i have a more pressing issue at hand. should i buy compression tights? i'm thinking of wearing them during matches next year for its alleged benefits as well as for simply looking cool and hip. but at around $90, they are kinda expensive if my main motivation is simply to look cool. realistically, i do not think i require such tights. i mean, people wear it to improve their game performance through delaying the onset of fatigue. well, my advice to them would simply be to train harder so fatigue does set in later! and this way, you wouldn't have to spend anything.

if i were to assess my own fitness even at this stage, i would say i'm ready for whatever the competition demands of me physically. inevitably, some of my competition would include people who abuse their bodies with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, or perhaps even something as simple as bad nutrition and bad sleeping habits. i will shoot myself if i can't handle people like that!

but does this mean is stop training? nah. getting fit for season is only a preliminary target which i feel i will achieve anyway, anyhow and anytime purely because of genetics. i'm aiming for much more than that, something like a sub-8 for 2.4km. i think at this current stage, i can comfortably go under 9, though by how much i am uncertain. early 8 is already foreign territory to me, let alone sub-8. i have been going for my runs, though i have still been eating junk and sleeping late. when i run, aerobically i feel i can go on for hours, even though i have already ran for 40mins, but my legs would have began to tire. hit the gym more, perhaps.

and i still haven't decided on the issue of compression tights. coupled with the $170 xmas/new year/valentine's day/birthday present to myself that has yet to arrive, i'm investing a lot in my cca.

crap.

Haile is mad...

2010-01-02T12:49:00.000+08:00

Haile Gebrselassie's training and how it relates to you

I originally posted this on the mile pace thread but wanted to see what others thought.

--

Just thought I'd add some more to this discussion. Haile provided a sample of his training to one his sponsers, Powerbar. Powerbar posted it on their website:

Monday
am: 60 min -- fartlek (17km)
pm: 50 min (12km)

Tuesday
am: 70 min (18km)
pm: 10km "easy" + 10x100m sprints

Wednesday
am: wu/cd + 48 min tempo (15km)

Thursday
am: 80 min (20km)
pm: 10km "easy" + 60 min in the gym

Friday
am: 75 min (18km)
pm: 10km "easy" + 10*100m sprints

Saturday
am: 6*2km @ 5:40 min w/ 3:00 min recovery
pm: 43 min (10km)

Sunday
am: 90 min (25km)

Total: ~191km/~120miles

---

Now on to the explaination... I will be converting this schedule to fit a 17 min runner. First thing you have to understand is that when Haile runs 17km in 60 minutes, the equivalent would be a 60 min run and not a 17km run, done at of course a slower pace but at a near equal intensity.

Another thing you have to understand is that Haile runs a 5k in 12:39; you CAN NOT compare a 5k done in 17:00 to a 5k in 12:39, physically they are both different races that utilize different energy needs. So to get an equivalent 17 min schedule, I will compare what Haile could run in a 17 min race to a 17 min 5k runner.

A 12:39 5000m is roughly equv. to a 17:00 6590m. So from now on I will be comparing Haile's training paces as a percentage of his hypothetical 17 min 6590m race pace.

Key: Run / factor of 17 min race pace / Equiv. run & pace for a 17min 5k runner

Monday
am: 60min-fartlek(17km) / *1.369 / 8 mile fartlek averaging 7:27 pace
pm: 50min(12km) / *1.616 / 5.6 miles @ 8:50 pace

Tuesday
am: 70min(18km) / *1.508 / 8.5 miles @ 8:15 pace
pm: 10km "easy" + 10*100m / -- / 6.2 miles "easy" + 10*100m

Wednesday
am: wu/cd 48min(15km) / *1.241 / 7 miles @ 6:47 pace

Thursday
am: 80min(20km) / *1.552 / 9.4 miles @ 8:29 pace
pm: 10km "easy" + 1hr gym / -- / 6.2 miles "easy" + 1hr gym

Friday
am: 75min(18km) / *1.616 / 8.5 miles @ 8:50 pace
pm: 10km "easy" + 10*100m / -- / 6.2 miles "easy" + 10*100m

Saturday
am: 6*2km 5:40 rec: 3min / *1.099 / 6*1600m 5:59 rec: 3min
pm: 43min(10km) / *1.668 / 4.7 miles @ 9:07 pace

Sunday
am: 90min(25km) / *1.396 / 11.8 miles @ 7:38 pace

--

So here's the simple version of Haile Gebrselassie's schedule converted to fit a 17min 5ker:

Monday
am: 8 mile fartlek averaging 7:27 pace (possibly altern. 6:00 mile / 8:54 mile)
pm: 5.6 miles @ 8:50 pace

Tuesday
am: 8.5 miles @ 8:15 pace
pm: 6.2 miles @ 8:15-9:07 pace + 10*100m sprints

Wednesday
am: 4 mi wu/cd total + 7 miles @ 6:47 pace

Thursday
am: 9.4 miles @ 8:29 pace
pm: 6.2 miles @ 8:15-9:07 pace + 1hr gym

Friday
am: 8.5 miles @ 8:50 pace
pm: 6.2 miles @ 8:15-9:07 pace + 10*100m sprints

Saturday
am: 4 mi wu/cd total + 6*1600m 5:59 rec: 3min
pm: 4.7 miles @ 9:07 pace

Sunday
am: 11.8 miles @ 7:38 pace

Total: 96 miles

--

I know exactly what ya'll all are going to say... "9:07 pace!1!!1! BS!11!!" but the truth is, you can only run 5:28 per mile for 17 minutes while Geb does 4:09 miles! As a 17-minute 5k runner you are just a jogger in the grand scheme of things. Geb at his slowest did 6:53/mile(=9:07), how do you think that feels like for someone who can do 4:09 miles for 17 minutes?

Look at the schedule -- 96 miles, how many people claim they can't do that type of mileage without getting hurt? How 'bout if you slowed it down to a level that is appropriate for you? After a couple of months of that type of mileage and the few hard efforts that areincluded, you wouldn't be a 17min runner, you'd be able to handle more mileage, and you'd be training at a faster pace.

One last thing, I'm sure someone is going to mention that this was all done at altitude, most likely that is true. BUT, Geb is a highly trained athlete adapted to altitude. He can perform from 1500 to the marathon at a linear curve, this shows that he has highly developed aerobic endurance. A 17 min runner would need to be able to run 35:15(10k)/1:18(HMar-5:57/mile for 13.1 miles)/2:43(Mar-6:12/mile for 26.2 miles), how many 30-60 mpw 17min HSers do you think could do that? I'd say very, very few. Because of that the average 17 min runner would actually need to run slower than the calculated paces, but since this work was done at altitude I just cancelled both effects out. This should roughly even things out.

Anyway, I hope ya get the point 'cause this took a heck of a long time to do.

__________________
Half of what I say is meaningless.

2010-01-02T12:04:00.001+08:00

in just about 10 days, just 10 odd days later, it will arrive.

after that, we fly.

2010-01-01T03:30:00.001+08:00

i hereby declare that my new year/decade resolution would be simply this: to focus. in all meanings and interpretations of the phrase.

and it is also quirky to note that i spent that definite moment in the toilet.

2009-12-21T02:16:00.005+08:00

it is not even christmas yet, but i have came up with my new year resolution already: to switch to an all-nourishing and freaking healthy diet of yong tau foo and ban mian for the year to come.

i'm quite sure i will be sick of it by a week, but i resolve to adhere to this diet strictly for my own good. i got the idea from ruiyong, so i do hope i am able to achieve similar things xD
(though it never works this way D= )

i may have gotten fm10, but i'm hooked on fm08 again. quite hard not to when i have devised a killer tactic that is inspired by total football and absolutely dominates the opposition. some key ideas of total football include very high and hard pressing, zonal marking (revolutionary then), the trademark switching of positions between players without compromising the tactical shape AT ALL, and of course johan cruyff =D

this tactic adopts the basic dutch 4-3-3 shape, with slight variations with regards to the farrows and barrows. all the players save for the centre backs have a free role (i have yet to discover how removing them affects play, but why fix it when it works, and anyway its quite funny to have free roles for all players). the tempo's on the slow slide (historically incorrect i think, cause football then was definitely of a very slow-pace, but my team doesnt dominate that much if the slider is at the extreme end, so ... whatever works i guess). all the individual settings for the players are identical, meaning mixed settings and normal mentality for everything and everyone. creative freedom is maxed out, width is maxed out, and the team holds a very high line. this is in tandem with the maxing out of the closing down slider, so the other team has absolutely no space and time to do shit. coupled with hard tackling for everyone, this formation has unexpectedly turned out to be a mean defensive monster.

all the players have instructions to swap positions with the centre forward, or should i call it the cruyff-position, such that the play revolves around him. the centre forward is the playmaker, though he has identical settings with everyone except that his mentality is set to all out attack. the team pivots around him, with he deciding with who and to where he wishes to go, such that the swap in position is carried out according to his wishes. u need an all-round playmaker forward here to fill this role. examples include rooney, tevez, arshavin.

unfortunately, if i do set everyone to swap with the forward, my players will literally be all over the place ie. i do see evra at centre-forward quite often when using man utd. it can get quite infuriating when gary neville misses an open shot at goal, when u do noe someone else like ronaldo would have scored. or when the opposition forward scores a header because he was up against carlos tevez who just happens to be at centre-back and a very short fart at 168cm.

u see, this is a very critical flaw of total football. it demands all players to have a certain amount of technique and versatility such that they are comfortable everywhere on the pitch, which in today's game is frankly impossible. evra wouldnt be scoring headers, and i doubt u would want scholes to make a last-ditch tackle in ur own box. hence, i removed the swap settings for the back 4, so only the midfielders and forwards interchange positions. so no chance of neville being a centre forward. but in the end i set evra to swap positions with giggs cause evra is a real bomb going forward. no point setting it on the other flanks as well because a) neville/brown will never be marauding right-backs and b) i don't trust ronaldo to defend.

basically it looks like this.

the all-so-original instructions

i'm going to try and create something like this on fm10 and see if it works. if it does...

2009-12-17T01:27:00.002+08:00

so i am back from my holiday at the land of altintop, nihat and turan. it was good while it lasted for something i was perfectly fine with foregoing. i liked the scenery, the ruins were cool (i understood how there can be beauty in chaos), oh and there was snow. there was also some eyecandy whenever i need a break from reading, which i have done aplenty. not too bad for a week.

i suddenly do not feel like detailing everything single aspect of my holiday, partly because it is very tedious, but also partly because i want to quickly go and bathe, then go downstairs to eat a plate of nasi goreng ikan billis, despite it being freaking 130am in the morning.

i am ashamed at my inability to warm up quickly to people my own age.

as i was sharing with shanzhi, people who have not seen pep guardiola play as they grow up have a deprived childhood. which means himself, myself and a lot of other people.

here is a riddle: what is the link between shanzhi and underwear?

i am going to do a sport everyday. so if i have training today, i will run tomorrow. i have only until march to try and sub 8. this should maximise the limited training time that i have.

speaking of time, i have 3 more books to finish. that is on top of finishing oranges and housekeeping and a book on islam. this does not include extra stuff and richard III.

i wonder if 4K will have a christmas/new year party like last year?

having just returned from holiday, i am excited about going on another trip next year, but this time with friends. 4K trip anyone?

if everything went well i would have been at a chalet now talking and laughing instead of hitting away at my keyboard.

why is arshavin so n00b in WE2008? it makes using him a chore, though the jolt i get everytime he gets the ball confirms his special place he has inside me.

ok that sounded damn wrong.

i love my new earphones.

i should blog like this from now on. incoherent sentences that articulate whatever comes into my mind at the moment.

that's all folks.

2009-12-04T23:38:00.003+08:00

ramly burger must be one of the most awesome things on earth, albeit because it has everything in abundance. oil, bbq sauce, chili, mayo, and another million unhealthy bits. come together, its one wonderful package, but seeing the cooking process was a test of my self-control. the way the mat just sprayed the oil and chili and whatnot as if its supply curve was a straight line, i was in half a mind to just cancel my order and walk off. but heck, i just have to admit i'm a phail anorexic.

as a legacy of my running days, i'm rather conscious of what goes inside me; ie protein, carbo, salt, fat etc. i eat food with a low glycemic index before trainings, then spam food that have a high gi after trainings to replenish quickly. coffee before exercise (for the caffeine boost), tea after (apparently it has recuperative effects, though once i drank it at 10pm and couldnt sleep the whole night). when buying canned food i always look at its nutritional index to see the amount of carbs, protein, etc. then i love ramly burgers.

i guess once in a while wouldn't kill...

2009-12-04T12:13:00.000+08:00

i don't have mornings anymore, not when i'm not waking up till its 1pm. today's an exception.

boy, i am a lazy bum.

2009-12-04T00:01:00.002+08:00

talk about retail therapy.

i was planning to head to orchard and buy a pair of new earphones before settling at starbucks or something to read and watch the world go by. unfortunately, my head got turned by the "SALE" signs that were put up at uniqlo and before i know it i had embarked on a shopping spree that resulted in me $50 and an afternoon poorer. its ok though, enjoyed myself.

now if only i had more $$$...

2009-12-02T23:51:00.002+08:00

post number 185. lol. burger how long has it been since we did the "185"? lmao.

i have finally filled up the entire 512mb memory space of my mp3 player, after 5 years since the begining of its use. i remember it was a gift from my parents to reward me for my psle results. 5 years ago, 512mb of space cost upwards of $200. now? i just was flipping through a sony mag, and i saw that for the same price, i could get a sony player 16gb big. thats nearly 30 times as big my current one. what a rip-off. the screen is cracked (i still remember how, on the 3rd day that i got it it was in my pocket as turned too sharply around the corner of a wall and smashed pocket-first in that very corner), it is no longer safely intact as a single entity (try dropping it on the floor), and as such i should really invest in something more hip and cool like an ipod. but for its sheer sentimental value and nothing else, i think i will resist this temptation for as long as possible, until it is truly impossible. i guess this logic could apply to other aspects of my life, idk.

i grew up listening to the chinese/cantonese cds that my parents have in the car, and found out soon enough that those weren't exactly the kind of stuff people my age (then and now) listen to. so i tried to fit in. i borrowed my first linkin park cd from mark (thanks mark), loaded it into my com, and convinced myself that hey, i like this stuff. but i gave up after a while. hell, i sort of gave up on english music altogether. i only listen to a select few singers, like groban, jackson, queen, leona. screw the rest. i prefer sammi, raymond and jj so much more.

i think chinese songs have more depth, there's a greater feel to it. it is much more emo, it induces a greater feeling in me. idk, i just connect better with it and like it more.

with my mp3 player now full of such songs, its no wonder im smiling less on the train ride home.